Travel Channel Seeks Fat Fuck Mouth-Breather For Another "Fat Fuck Eating Things" Show

As if it wasn't bad enough that the Food Network exists. There's nothing worse to me than seeing food of any kind on tv. Or in movies. All I can think when people on film are eating food is, "My God, that food must be completely turned to dust by now, and how moldy it must have been no less than a couple of days after filming." There's not a lot grosser than that.

But there is one thing: people who chew with their mouth opens, and people who make loud smacking noises when they eat. It's just bad manners to make a big show out of eating. I'm not saying to eat like an anal-retentive jerk, all prim and proper. I'm must saying have some fucking consideration for people who have to watch and hear you eat. Here's a hint: NOBODY wants to see and/or hear you eating. Any more than they want to see you pooping or barfing. It's just something you should keep to yourself.

Then the Food Network comes along, and brings cooking and eating into popular culture. Every time I see a show on someone cooking, and then some people eating them, I wonder why they don't go the extra step and film the digestion, and ultimately the excretion of their creation. Why not sift through the crap left behind by the diners we just watched cook and eat, and figure out what nutrients are absorbed and actually used by the body, and what nutrients are there just for "show," or for "taste."

Sure, if you want to enjoy yourself cooking, that's fine. If you want to enjoy eating, more power to you. But it is absolutely SICK to consider the act of watching people cook and eat something you can't touch or smell yourself entertainment. It's like pornography, but there's more poop involved, unless you're into THAT kind of porn.

So, to me, the Food Network is absolutely horrid. What's worse than the Food Network?

I'll tell you what's worse. The fact that a perfectly good cable network, the Travel Channel, has hopped on the bandwagon, but instead of just traveling around the world and showing us what people eat, they have hired this fat, bald, midwestern jerkoff who chews with his mouth open to not just taste various foods from around the world, but to offer his opinion on them.

I don't even know where to begin with this one. Let's start with cultural relativism, and how it is absolutely trampled by this show. Cultural relativism, as any person who has taken anthropology EVER , can tell you, is trying to understand a culture on its own terms so that it becomes meaningful and relevant.

What cultural relativism is NOT is trying to compare value systems and make judgments. If you want to understand a culture on its own terms, there is no better way to get off on the wrong foot than to jump head-first into a culture, armed with your cultural biases and values and opinions.

Example: A fat, bald asshole from Minnesota heads to darkest Africa (already, we're making judgments), where he's presented with a basket of some sort of dried worm, covered in spices. Because he is a fat, bald asshole from Minnesota, he makes a snarky comment about how disgusting the worms look, but he'll be brave, and for the sake of his viewers, take a bite. Very delicately, he nibbles a piece of the worm, makes a face, and then, as if he's in the final round of a brat-eating contest, tosses the rest of the worm in his mouth, chews it, his face as brave and proud as if he had just ended terrorism. He rubs his fat fucking tummy, and moves on.

His producers then throw together (if it's a show short on actual footage of said fat fuck chewing things with his mouth open and making snarky comments about the food eaten by people in other parts of the world than the midwest of the USA), a 30 second montage discussing how in this part of Africa, desert has taken over. There are few plants left, and the only source of protein left is the Nasty Worm, which is harvested once a year by the entire village, then dried and salted, and used as the staple of the Nasty Worm Tribe's diet.

How did that make anything meaningful and reldvant to anyone? It didn't. And of course, that is not the purpose of the Fat American Fuck Show on the Travel Channel. The purpose of the Fat American Fuck Show on the Travel Channel is to capture the fleeting attention of the average fat American fuck at home on his leather sofa, watching HD programming on his giant plasma tv, and therefore garner ratings which will attract advertisers to pay exorbitant prices to put their "caveman" ads on the Travel Channel.

It's sick, sick, SICK, and nobody, including me, will do anything to stop it. I will, however, complain about it. I'm glad this blog has no readers, it's liberating. I can say whatever I want, and ain't nothing anyone can do about it. Kind of like how if the Travel Channel, which does a great job of making the world seem a little smaller to people who can't pay their rent, support their children, pay their bills, but gladly pay satellite tv companies to bring them HD programming onto their giant plasma tvs.

Great job, Travel Channel! U-S-A! U-S-A!

God I hate humans, and I hate being one. If there is a God, I certainly hope we were not made in his image. There has to be something out there better than us. There just has to be. Because we suck pretty fucking bad. It makes more sense to just go with the idea that we are muck monsters. With many fundamentalists, you can see the distinct family resemblance.