Natural Disaster

Looking at Craigslist and the newspaper today, there were tons and tons of missing animal ads. It appears Seattle is next in line for a big, fat, natural disaster that just might knock us back into the stone age. And would that really be so bad? At least it would put a temporary halt to all the gentrification, and maybe lower the cost of living.

I will never understand why rents are so high in Seattle. It really isn't a good place to live. There is water, and there hare mountains, but unless you work for Microsoft, or are married to someone who works for Microsoft, or started a coffee company a long time ago and now own an empire, you're pretty much fucked.

It rains all the time, the state flower is Mildew, toxic mold is ignored and thus proliferates, and all the serial killers come from here and murder all of our hookers. Our freeways were built for the Boeing economy of the 1960s, and as far as volcanoes go, let's just say if Mt. Rainier or Mt. Hood erupts, bye-bye Boeing. Or at least, bye-bye all the housing for people who can't afford to live in Seattle proper and have to sit in hours of traffic every morning to get INTO Seattle proper (read: Renton and everything south of Renton).

Fault lines? We got 'em. They aren't even lines, really. A map of faults in the Puget Sound region looks like a detailed diagram of Buckwheat's hair.

There are three major north-south freeways in the Seatlte area. One of them, 405, is on the other side of Lake Washington, so we'll ignore it. If you are heading north-south on either side of downtown Seattle, you are either on I-5 or on 99, which is basically being held together by a combination of sheer willpower and state union-workers' bubble gum. If there is a major earthquake (the "BIG ONE" we've all been trying not to think about since we learned about it), I-5 will most likely be buried under the Washington State Convention Center, which is actually built ON TOP of the fucking freeway. Whoever thought that up and got paid for it is certainly running a good racket.

99 will collapse and be swallowed by the Sound, as it is on a fault line, and the natural water line near downtown Seattle is somewhere near 3rd Avenue.

The sports stadiums we all voted against (we voted down the football stadium THREE TIMES) but the governor overrode us and made us pay for them anyway? They're going underwater.

The tallest buildings in Seattle, one of which is where I used to work? They are built on top of "old Seattle," which was never filled-in and stabilized. Rather, they put some posts up, added some concrete, and built on top of it. AFTER most of it had burned to the ground. So we're talking charred remains.

Pioneer Square, Westlake Center, Pike Place Market...all of the landmarks Seattle people are proud of, and expect out-of-town people to know about, will be in the drink, on fire, or swallowed up by the Earth we Seattleites are so fond of saving through bumper-sticker and leaflet campaigns.

Maybe an earthquake will irreparably destroy the new light-rail tracks. The train that goes from the airport to nowhere near downtown Seattle. Useless piece of shit. IT's another way the city is trying to rape us all in the ass for yet MORE of the money some of us would like to save to move the fuck away from this shithole. Once you pay for the trip on the train to the Sodo Station, you get to pay for a bus that will take you to the bottom of the hill, so you can hike up a 35 degree incline for 5 blocks in the rain to get to your office. PLEASE, Seattle, let me give you more money to fuck me over even more!!

Fuck Seattle, and fuck nature. If I could afford it, I'd move the fuck away. But Seattle makes that impossible, as all the money that comes in goes OUT toward rent, taxes (INSANE taxes that pay for things like stadiums and light rail projects that are completely impractical and unnecessary), bus fare, utilities (how can Seattle run out of water? Seems like every year, we have a "drought." This is not possible. Fuck you, Seattle! I'll keep saying it until you give me a reason to stop!), umbrellas, mildew remover, allergy medicine to keep from asphyxiating due to the mold.

Fuck you, Seattle. You, the city, may be first in line to eat me. You've certainly earned it. Asshole idiot hippies. You are idiots. Every last one of you. Even me. Because I live here.

We all deserve whatever the planet can dish out. Don't say I didn't warn you.